PARANOID TRASH

Hi :)

2011-10-01T07:30:23Z

long time no speak..

still in san francisco. just quit a job i have been doing for the last year. picked up a few part time gigs and planning to go back into school this coming spring for graphic design/illustration/media art. picking up where i left off just about 10 years ago now...what a decade it has been..!

i'm back on the bandwagon after a couple years of soul searching..yes, i am dating someone. he is quite a character. i want to eat his eyeballs- they look like autumn caramel. i am living with one of my best friends, another best friend is moving here next week and the last best friend needs to get her butt up here.

I've lost someone dear to me this year, gained some wonderful friends, grew closer to my family and have made some incredible self realizations. I am no longer a lost boy...I really feel like a grown up and it feels really wonderful.

hope everyone is doing well out in the livejournal world. I say this every few years: "Does anyone read this thing anymore?". It really has been quite sometime now.....give a shout and say hello if you are out there. I am off to listen to tuck my cat in and throw on a boards of canada record before bed.

life is but a dream

love you all
x

paranoidtrash @ 2010-04-06T12:40:00

2010-04-06T19:40:45Z

Living in San Francisco and have been quite alone lately.
spending time thinking of my life and where i want to be.
the city is cold and i surprisingly fall in love with it more each day.

solitude seems so necessary for me right now, but i have never felt such
an intense longing for those of my past as i have in the last few months
of my life.

making the decision to rebuild and start from the ground up is
really so much more then packing your bags and leaving.

hope you are all well.

sigh

2009-11-06T09:00:48Z

"Under the white chalk
Drawn on the black board
Drawn on the black board
Under the xray
I'm jut a vertebrate

Do that to me
Do that to my anatomy
Do that to me
Do that to my anatomy
Corporeal Corporeal

We are mankind
We are manikin
With and without mind
With or without Darwin

Classify me
The strings of my autonomy
Classify me
The strings of my autonomy
Corporeal corporeal

A thorny red heart
Around a thin arm
Inside a white bone
The love is inborn

Close up to me
Up close to my anatomy
Close up to me
Up close to my autonomy
Corporeal corporeal
Corporeal "

sigh

2009-10-29T08:48:17Z

i cried my eyes out tonight about Ashley.
i wish i had spent more time with her in the last few years.
i can't believe she is gone.

i love you girl.
hope you are ok wherever you are.

pleasures of the world

2009-10-27T09:17:35Z

I will end up living alone and away from everyone one day.

That day will be the happiest day of my life.

half dreaming

2009-10-24T08:58:51Z

i think so much of the past.

driving to ucsd to see vicki almost every day.
staring out at the gray skies from her dorm room.
it was so cold back then.

oscar and I becoming friends and him being the first boy i ever slept in a bed with.
i can still remember feeling safe with him and excited to see him whenever we would meet.

moving to encinitas and being so excited to live with scott, jessica and tanya.
living in a little house three blocks from the beach and chain smoking on the porch in the sunlight.
everything was so fresh and new.

meeting becky, mars, ashley, tomra and my now best friend liz.
feeling like i had met the coolest people in the world and being so happy to be around them.
going to parties, meeting people, listening to music, feeling like i actually belonged.
i didn't feel like an outsider anymore.

i don't live in the past, but i am constantly looking back for bits and pieces.
i feel so nostalgic these days. i wish i hadn't taken those years for granted.
i am still so young, but those were years of my life that changed me.
i came into my own..the time seems all so magical now..everything was a new venture
whether it was the way people were dressing, the music being made or the house parties we were
frequenting.

i feel as though the people around me never occupy their time with this train of thought.
it almost feels like it all never happened.

life is so interesting, joyous and bittersweet.
i am happy to be alive. i love life. really.

goodnight

Sjifsljf blehhhh

2009-10-20T07:41:06Z

Can my hair please stop falling out? It's like I'm a cancer patient or something. I am seriously considering asking my doctor if I am ill. I will be powder in like a year basically.

Hair piece? Plugs? or permanent baseball cap?

so annoying.

dear old friend

2009-10-19T06:27:24Z

I am really surprised to hear the news of your current romantic involvements.
I can tell you are going to have so many regrets if you push through life as this character anymore.
Wish you could just see through my eyes for one moment.

sigh--all the love to you.

KRYPT

2009-10-16T19:10:36Z

painting and minor assembly day one
few select pieces from the bunch

no words no more

2009-10-14T07:29:04Z

I need to get the fuck out of here and into San Francisco. Southern California needs to be a memory of the past for me..for right now at least. I do have to say that I am so happy that I decided to move back from NYC prematurely--the place is a real shit-hole compared to here.

I'm trying to find out what I want to do with myself professionally. I have had a complete turn around from everything I once thought I actually cared about. I hate fashion. Loathe it actually at this point. Maybe I will change my feelings in the future. There are certain pieces of it that I still care about, but as far as being apart of the industry..I don't think so. I have far too much self respect and self worth to allow myself to associate with a majority of the assholes who partake in it all. Never again.

On a lighter note, my tooth hurts. I am listening to my cat snore. I am virtually happy aside from a few minor set backs.

Hope everyone is well--Much Love.

xx

no letter to write to you, no gift is given

2009-10-12T06:55:16Z

i'm trying not to let her death be the needle that breaks the camel's back.

i am so sad.

paranoidtrash @ 2009-10-10T19:11:00

2009-10-11T02:23:52Z

An old friend of mine passed away to a life-long battle with AIDS today.

She was a light in my life and I will miss her so much.

Rest in Peach Jade
I Love You

SICK!!!

2009-10-09T06:03:44Z

I've been sick for a week and now my wisdom teeth are flaring up.
The pain is unbearable at points. sigh..surgery is inevitable over the next week.

So, moving to San Francisco? Next best thing I suppose.
I would rather be moving to Yosemite or the Grand Canyon and work in the parks.

I am really disappointed with a lot of people in my life lately.
No one gives a fuck about anyone else..such selfish attitudes at all
times all around!!

Do I want new friends or no friends?
Such a hard decision..
I'm pretty happy with my cats and the internet.

on a lighter note- seeing "GOOD HAIR" is on my to do list for the middle of the month.

MOODY

2009-10-04T09:12:08Z

i always get sick when i go on trips..i am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

getting better in the heart break department...i guess?
mmmm.. okay, when i say "getting over" i mean like maybe 20% over it..tops.

i just can't help feeling that i lost the love of my life and it is just very sad.
i never knew i could feel so badly..nor did i know that my heart would feel so empty.

i want to move to Yosemite and work in the park.
i need to get away from buildings, language, style, trends, music, words.
i'm sick of it all.

it smells like fall finally..here's to a long winter.

hope everyone is well.

insanity

2009-09-18T09:10:10Z

i just went through my journal in the years of 2001-2004 and all i can say is 'WOW'.
this is pretty embarrassing.

i used to live in a psychic city

2009-09-18T08:43:31Z

i still wake up almost every night thinking you are sleeping next to me.
i find a bent and beaten pillow falling half off the bed
i stare into the dark until sleep takes over again.

it has almost been 10 years since i started this journal..i cannot believe it.
i miss those days and the relationships i built through this community.
i can remember thinking to myself, " I wonder where I will be when the calender is
at 2010". i never thought i would be here

i started taking photos again

2008-06-09T17:42:37Z

I am more then a bit rusty on my photography skills.
pulled the old girl from a box in the closet and tried her out.
it has been years since I have taken photos--makes me sad.

our afternoon

pardon the tinypic.com quality-im warming up here.

do you wake up in the morning?

2008-05-13T19:04:02Z

Mikey and I are gearing up for our trip to New York.
We will be there June 17th-20th.
We will then head to Maine to have a vacation away from
everyone and everything at his Mama's house in the middle of the woods..
Words cannot describe how excited I am.

i can't stop listening to this :

annie : girlfriend ( get shakes remix )
lsdyhawke : paris ( alex gopher remix )
electronic : get the message
hot chip : wearing my rolex (live)
scarlett johansson : nobody knows im gone
love is all : make out, fall out (the bees version)
my bloody valentine : drive it all over me

how is everyone?
does anyone on my friends list still exist?

paranoidtrash @ 2008-01-23T02:50:00

2008-01-23T10:52:49Z

i never really thought much of heath ledger, but i do have to say that there is something deeply sad about his death that has been sitting with me all day long. it's just awful.

i'm wasting my time writing this but i feel the need to

2008-01-20T22:37:40Z

There really needs to be something going on that isn't marketable to the general public.

Life is just a bland mash of everyone and everything.
Mothers and daughters are wearing the same clothes.
Old and young are at peace with one another.
Individuality has become so boring and muted.

Valley girls in ballet flats.
Punk girls in ballet flats.
hipster girls in ballet flats.
sporty girls in ballet flats.
My mom in ballet flats.

Techno is just an excuse to wear neon.
Do they actually listen to the records?
Do they know who James Holden is?
Do they really love the sound of an 808?

Girls wearing thousand dollar ensembles are punk icons.
Has she ever heard of Patti Smith or even L7?
Does she know who Vaginal Davis is?
Do they care anything of the whereabouts of their own personal style's origin?

"I love your joy division shirt"
"who?"
"Oh.."

Where did this breed of overly wealthy and innocent minded alternative youth stem from?

Who are all of these Zombies?

It was all so interesting and ironic for a brief moment.
It's all so meaningless to anyone anymore.
Ian Curtis is a mere dollar sign in the eyes of Urban Outfitters.
A generation of punk-minded artists are in the toilet.

Are we ready for something new and actually different?

I need something frightening and repulsive.
I need something my friend's mothers would shudder at.
I need something with brainpower behind it.
I need sense and logic.
I need something that is totally uncool.

paranoidtrash @ 2008-01-08T01:46:00

2008-01-08T09:48:18Z

mikey and i moved into our own place with kitty-pig.

the california king is the best invention ever.

drinking sprite after you brush your teeth is so not okay.

time for bed.

Holy Smokes

2007-11-28T05:57:27Z

I'm in an internet cafe that is playing a 'Classic Rock Station' over the speakers
--currently playing : "Dude Looks like a Lady"

M and I are apartment hunting right now. The amount of time and effort it takes in finding a new place is so annoying. I somehow always seem to forget the fine details of moving and all of the delightful little details you have to pay attention to during the process. For example, It is really hard to find a place that allows cats. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we living in a Pet Age right now? I'm pretty sure that almost every person I know owns some little creature-companion. Animals are the key to modern day American happiness...right? It just seems all too wrong to have rentals that do not allow pets.

On a brighter note, I can't figure out what to go back into school for. I want to do something in Fashion ( and not to be Dylan Jacobs). Who knows. It's so hard to figure out. I'm thinking to just do something in Graphic Design like I was going to 5 years ago and use that to get a foot in the door with other visual projects I would love to be apart of in the fashion industry. I just do not want to stay in San Diego any longer! M is looking at Grad Schools in New York and I'm thinking about throwing down the big bucks for a good school there as well. Only problem-the bucks.

My social life is shot...again.
All of my friends and I are so different from eachother these days. I actually feel that maybe we have always been different from one another, but it is only recently that we have recognized it. I just don't seem to feel a connection with a majority of people in my life. I'm at this turning point where I am finally getting myself out of the same place I have been rolling around in since 2002. I don't want to be a boring San Diegan boy who talks a lot of talk and never does anything to change. It has been five years of strange days and I am starting to fee like a normal adult human being. I just feel like starting over. New place. New Friends. New job. New everything. My life has run its course in San Diego-really. Have you ever felt as if you have been running in circles and you have slowed down just in time to see a reflection of yourself from the year prior in the same spot of the circle? Does that even make sense? Well, that is how I feel..busting 360's.

My best friends have all moved away. The ones who havn't left yet are well on their way.
I need to be the one who uproots and does something finally. I can't stand to be a bystander anymore.

Have you heard the new Goldfrapp album?
M helped me download it the other night--it is nothing short of amazing.
I cannot wait to buy it on vinyl and play it through my headphones on the floor.

M is back--I don't want to be rude.
Until next time-
Love you guys xx

whipping tree

2007-09-14T02:26:34Z

Hello! How is everybody?
I have been in hibernation.

I'm moving to London?? What!?
school time. let's hope i get in!
fingers crossed.

the new SUPRA shoes coming into the store for january are sooo so so so hot.
has anyone else seen these all white dreams??
the models in the levi's and warhol new york fashion show were wearing them.
im so exciteddddd.

it's total indian summer here right now.
i'm so happy the sun is begining to set earlier...vaaaaampirrrreeeee.

do you guys still read this?

miss you!

lovers who uncover

2007-07-11T19:54:39Z

my life has become so different then it has ever been.

i used to have this desire to be somebody that i thought was the ultimate person. it was like i fed off of energy from other people in order to fill a void that has been inside of me for the last 14 years. i cared about so many and wanted to be loved so badly that i made myself believe a lot of very unimportant things were at the front of the line in my life. i never knew that falling in love with somebody would make all of that go away.

these days, i just want to be in unison with my boyfriend and be left alone by the rest of the world.

paranoidtrash @ 2007-06-11T16:49:00

2007-06-11T23:49:48Z